Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
operation harelip BJ is a go
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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