if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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