I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
