I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
