Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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