ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
