is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
