ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
But break dance skills will only take you so far
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
