Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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