A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
