I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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