Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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