Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
