he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
