Non-Jews are for practice
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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