i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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