I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
