Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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