I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
