Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
