Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Randomize
