i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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