I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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