omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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