i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Randomize
