I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
