I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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