My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
