i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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