The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
