I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
