...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
