So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
