My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
