So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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