i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
