my phone needs a breathalizer
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
