Where is the hickey?
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
