If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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