I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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