five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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