Three words: puerto rican gang bang
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
