Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
