thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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