Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
