Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
