Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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