don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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