In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
