he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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