I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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